someone who derives pleasure from receiving pain
I wonder, can someone be a spiritual masochist? I feel like everything I do seems to put a block between me and God, and though I know all the ways to try and tear down this wall...I don't. So I hurt. I hurt myself spiritually. Why? Why am I so content being in pain and isolation from the Great Creator, the Lover of my soul? What sick pleasure do I get from this? Yet every day I continue this dance, twirling and twirling so I no longer see God.
I feel alone. I'm in a house full of people and I feel utterly alone. Not a word can I utter to the "friend that's closer then a brother."So no matter how many people I'm around, I feel alone.
I'm angry. Angry that the "good" I want for Ryan and I, isn't the good God has planned for us. I feel like I can't trust him. I don't understand. Why did he let me quit my teaching job? Why did he let us come to San Diego? I thought we doing the right thing. Is there a "right" thing? Was one choice better then an other? Why won't he fund us? Why has it been an uphill battle? Will it always be difficult? Why won't God let us get a job? And once we get jobs I'm so afraid that the job will keep us from being on campus. I feel like I traveled 300 miles to be on this campus and I would be utterly devastated if this job keeps me from it.
What is he trying to teach me?! To depend on him? To let go of idols? To stop listening to lies? maybe...probably...all of that and more.
But it boils down to...I just don't trust him. My very well being relies on God and I don't feel like I can trust him. He gives me every breath, every heart palpitation, every thought and motion of mine are a gift from Him....yet, I can't trust Him. He's never let me go hungry, he's never let me go thirsty. I have a home, I have a family and I have friends. Yet I don't trust him. He gives me gifts and blessing beyond number. He gives me health, clothes, and even flowers...yet I refuse to trust him. Where is this coming from? Why won't I trust Him? Why won't I talk to Him? Why do I keep him out? What sick pleasure do I get from all this?!! What is to gain from this spiritual isolation?
I'm afraid of what's to come. I see the future and all I see is grief and turmoil. I see heartache and pain. I can't see beyond that. Everyday my heart catches in my throat because I feel that this...this is the day will stop providing. I feel like everyone is born with a certain supply of grace and provision, but after that. Well...lets just hope you don't have much time on earth. I feel like our grace and provision has run out. Nothing is left for us.
So now, I must go and finish cooking dinner. To twirl and dance and continue spiritually cutting myself. Why? Because sometimes being honest with the God that knows everything, well it's too overwhelming. And for me, too emotional.
But after dinner. I will stop the twirling. I will stop the dance. I will sit with God and with His help, slowly take down the wall one brick at a time.
Because isolation from God, is the loneliest isolation there is.