Why is that the hardest person to be honest with...is the person that knows you the best? Why do I always feel like hiding from the one person who is my protection? This process called fundraising is harder then I could have imagined. Yet, Every time I meet with God I put on this facade with him as if everything is ok. Why is it so difficult to tell him the truth? That I hurt. That I'm scared. That sometimes...I don't trust him. I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN! yet I'm not suppose to. "with man things are impossible, but with God nothing is impossible." But so many times I don't believe that. Am I less of Christian? Sometimes I feel that if I'm honest with Him that's what I'll be...less of a Christian. Like I should have already learned this, and that trusting in Him should be a no brainer. It's like those classes your in all semester, and you kinda pay attention, and your teacher is so engaging, and the classwork is really helpful, and the material is easy....but the day before the final...you realize you have NO idea what any of it means, yet your too embarrassed to ask for help because YOU SHOULD KNOW IT! I feel I should know this whole trust thing, but...I don't. God's shown me over and over reasons to trust him. Yet, I still don't get it.
So here I am.
I still don't get it.
But at least I don't have to hide anymore.
and finally I realize...
that's the best place to be.